I am building a world class 18 hole golf course on Gibraltar which will be named The Royal St. Gibrews and will be finished in time for the next Ryder Cup.
It has taken many months to successfully formulate because of difficulties that were encountered due to the terrain, environmental factors, and the many objections that had to be overcome.
Firstly there was concern from the Gibraltar Milk Marketing Board that players on the ninth hole, which is adjacent to the pastures on the east side, would affect the herds and have a detrimental effect on milk production.
Secondly, the Calpe Coot which is indigenous only to Gibraltar and is an endangered species lives on the upper Rock.
This flightless bird has adapted to its habitat and now its right leg is shorter than the left enabling it to move clockwise around the rock while it feeds.
However, when Tiger Woods made a trial drive from the provisional fifth tee he frightened one and it turned around to run away but unfortunately its short leg was then on the down slope and it rolled into the town and was run over by a convoy of Spanish cars on its way to buy cheap petrol.
The fifth tee has now been relocated to the satisfaction of Greenpeace.
Thirdly, opposition came from Mr. A.P.Phace, the head keeper of the apes, who was concerned about badly hit balls, which would be a territorial threat and could lead to serious attacks.
After assurances that no member’s balls would have any contact with the apes, we were granted right of way.
Another problem which is holding up the work on the greens are the holes themselves.
St.Andrews Golf Club contacted us as they were replacing their holes and their director Mr.Mc.Divot gave us the opportunity to purchase the eighteen surplus holes.
This opportunity to bring tradition to our course was snapped up and they were dispatched to Gibraltar only to be seized as contraband by the Spanish customs at the border.
We were informed that we could not export holes from an E.E.C. country without a mandate from Brussels which we now have.
Unfortunately, without water, the holes are drying out and crumbling and the Spanish refuse to water them stating that they now view the holes as part of Gibraltar and they therefore will not allow them Spanish water.
St. Gibrews will be the most challenging course in the world due to its rugged terrain of which we have taken into account by bringing sherpers from the Himalayas as caddies.
Golf buggies will not be available but we are offering Heli-Golf using the company helicopter to transport players to the top hole on the course.
The Gibraltar government has been particularly helpful in selling us the Moorish Castle, which will house the clubhouse and offices.
For those who wish to converse with the staff in the local dialect we have produced a book of phrases for every eventuality containing a mine of useful information such as ‘Where is el hoyo numero five.’
There will be a theme restaurant where dining hostesses will be available for a small fee to join members for dinner.
These ladies are insomniacs and fully trained to appear genuinely interested in those hole by hole post mortems that all golfers love to recount.
‘Accompanied Dinner’ gift vouchers will be available for wives of golfers to give as gifts to their husbands.
In the Moorish Tower above the restaurant we have created the lavish and exclusive Golfboy Club where our delectable ‘Birdiebabes’ will be dressed in erotically styled golfing attire giving an entirely new meaning to Titleist as a golf accessory.
Also we hope that The Golfboy Club will help Gibraltar Spanish relations due to the numbers of Costa golfers who will use it, thereby alleviating the traffic jams on the N340 near the Milady Palace and the Playboy Club at peak ‘after golf ’ rush hour that presently exists.
Certainly The Royal St.Gibrews Golf Club will become the most famous in the world and soon we will be accepting applications for membership.