I’M not a football fan.
I don’t get it and I never will. I hate football so much that when my kids wanted to rebel against parental authority they didn’t get into booze and drugs, oh no!
They knew a much better way to really piss off their old man: They became lifelong Arsenal fans (ED: yes, that would piss most people off).
Fortunately, life mostly goes on without having to suffer the mind-numbing spectacle of 22 blokes kicking a ball around a field cheered on by thousands of screaming fans.
Then there’s the ball-kicking experts, talking on telly for hours, writing in newspapers about the tactics behind good ball-kicking and which ball-kickers are the best.
And once every four years the best ball-kickers from all over the world all congregate in one place to decide which country has the best ball-kickers on the planet.
One time a long time ago England managed to kick the ball the best, even better than some Germans, which apparently made winning all the sweeter at the time, but is now referred to as the beginning of ‘60 years of pain’, by old men in pubs with nothing better to talk about.
If you ask me, it’s like a religious cult. Groups of people of all ages dress up the same and give all their money to the high priests of ball-kicking who fake love for their disciples on stage, all the time squandering their hard-earned cash on expensive cars and clothes.
Football is the opium of the people! I wonder what the world’s current most famous left-winger would have thought about the world’s new religion?
That left-winger is Keir Starmer, the English Prime Minister, who finally stepped out of office last month, leaving his Spanish counterpart Pedro Sanchez, the only major left winger left in Europe.
Keir, a staunch champagne socialist Arsenal fan was finally outgunned, while going on the amount of sleaze bubbling up around him at the moment Sanchez (an Athletico fan, I’m told) is surely teetering on the edge too.
Do their respective national football teams, with their Cartier and Lambo lifestyles, have anything in common with these two actual leaders of men?
I don’t know the answer but it’s a question worth pondering.
On one hand there are the ultra-capitalist ball-kicking shamans promising a few hours of relief from the daily grind for a price. And on the other two quite different performers pretending they know how to make lives permanently better.
I hate football, but you have to wonder if the ball-kickers are more honest with the deal they’re selling, while the left-wingers begging for votes have no clue how they are going to deliver on their promises.
Then again how well would countries be governed if prime ministers and president’s wages were half as good as the ball-kickers?
Enjoy the World Cup people! I’m heading off to India or China, where few people give a monkeys!
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