The Amputee

I drink, therefore I am I PHONED a friend after lunch he other day to thank him for the very entertaining dinner party he and his wife had given the night before

Raising the steaks A FRIEND of mine was found positive for the performance-inhibiting drug butane. “A load of anabolics,” he claimed in our local bar, “someone must have slipped it into my

Year of the golden porker LET a hundred flowers bloom. The Chinese have said goodbye to the Year of the Dog and welcomed in the Year of the Pig. Oink! The Golden

Profligate scandal I HAVE just read average debt levels in Britain have risen to an all-time high of nearly 140 per cent of income, twice the level they reached in the 1980s.

Reading between the lies “I may not agree with what they did but I will defend to the death their right to deny it.” It was not long ago that when someone

HAPPY NEWS YEAR Two thousand and six has quietly slipped behind the curtain of time and we will now refer to it as Last Year. Two thousand and seven has entered stage

In true festive spirit, The Olive Press has decided to give The Amputee a week off. Here, his companion The Gobbler muses on what Christmas means to him

SHEP THE FISH I JUST read that by the middle of next year more British families will own a fish than will own a dog. This is a serious change in social

BACKING GROUP ONE of the great mysteries of the Universe is why women cannot back a car into a parking spot. My mother was a good example but quickly realised her limitations

Journeyman tailor MY grandfather, Charlie McCarthy, described himself as a “Journeyman Tailor.” I learnt this a few years ago when I applied for a copy of my mother’s birth certificate to support

WHEN God finally gets back to earth the first thing he is going to ask is what we have done with his dinosaurs. At least this is what my friend Bernie C