THIS Christmas, the average European will travel 190 miles on five Christmas shopping trips of four hours each, attend three Christmas parties, suffer three hangovers and sit down at the family table four times during which they will gain 4lb in weight eating three Christmas dinners. Don’t ask why.
That process starts in November, with Black Friday. Although personally, the sight of grown adults fighting over discount TVs rather tarnishes the tinsel on my Christmas tree and I always give the high street a swerve on the busiest shopping day of the year.
Instead just for a day, and despite being the kind of technophobe who has a panic attack posting on Facebook, I joined the 46% of European consumers who will be surfing for gifts online this year and was thoroughly entertained.
I’m glad I’m not one of the 42% of all shoppers who have to buy toys. What to choose when a doll that pees, a dragon that poops and a Hogwarts Hall Lego set that costs over €100 are top on Santa’s list. And I pity any pet forced to wear an Inflatable Unicorn Horn or Pajamagram matching jimjams designed for dogs, cats and their humans.
But there were some gifts I’d definitely add to my Amazon shopping cart if I wasn’t planning to support the high street (and not so inept on a mobile) …
Bollocks to Brexit Bag
The perfect accessory for Christmas shopping in Gib. You’ll be among friends and you might even get a discount! Available from www.etsy.com Amazon does a more polite one that reads: Don’t Blame Me, I voted Remain. But, as I’m one of the three million expat Brits not allowed to vote, bollocks to that.
Enjoy a festive bottle of vino – all to yourself – with this handy glass that screws into the neck. Perfect for Christmas parties where you can never attract the wine waiter’s attention, with this essential seasonal accessory the glass will always be full.
Porn for Women
The Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative asked women – young, old, rich, and poor – ‘What really, really gets you hot?’ Their answers are in this LOL coffee table book. Guys talking clean is one way – as in ‘Let me clean the bathroom’, or whispering: ‘Have another piece of cake, I don’t like you looking so thin’ will also do it.
There’s no nudity but for ladies who appreciate the sight of a rippling torso at the ironing board or a taut butt bent over the sink, this is a winner.
Donald Trump Loo Paper
A stocking filler that also makes a political statement, this presidential roll of honour contains 200 full colour portrait sheets of the man making toilet tissue great again.
Watch Ya’ Mouth
If you don’t wet yourself like James Corden when he tried out this family game on the Late Late Show (see it on YouTube) you will definitely dribble. Basically it’s a box of cheek retractors – the kind used by dentists to keep patients’ mouths open. Players have to wear one while reading out phrases and team mates have to guess what they’re saying/drooling.
Utterly puerile but guaranteed to liven up Boxing Day lunch with the in-laws, especially the adult version.