PUERTO Banus has long been the chosen nightlife destination for every celebrity from Gemma Collins to Sir Alan Sugar. 

While some say it’s overpriced, others accuse it of being tacky. But what Puerto Banus undeniably achieves is unpredictable— nay, chaotic— fun.

Here is how to spend an evening in the home of Marbella’s mayhem

To ease yourself in, start your night at the Sky Lounge rooftop bar in the Benabola Hotel with an espresso martini. Elevated above the hordes, the sunset skyline peppered by super yachts is impressive and actually quite serene. 

Continuing the cocktail crawl, the next place to hit is Astral. A huge wooden Galleon boat in the entrance of the Puerto Banus harbour, the drinks in this place are bigger than your head and stronger than Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

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With the unique confidence that comes from a Long Island iced tea inside you, the time has come to sing. Crystal’s Karaoke Bar is largely considered by most Puerto Banus aficionados as the least pretentious bar in the area: the drinks are cheap and the song selection is extensive. Everything from ABBA to Adele blasts out of the speakers on a nightly basis. 

Then, now suitably well oiled with slipping standards, the inevitable moment has come to stumble into the eye of the storm. Linekers bar is to Puerto Banus what Fergie is to the royal family: a loveable disgrace. 

A shot girl gifted me the life changing piece of information here that chasing tequila with pineapple juice rather than lime will entirely remove the kick of the spirit. But take this knowledge at your own peril. Bad decisions, the kind where you wake up in the morning and whisper “what have I done”, are made in this place. 

Through the doors and into the havoc you’ll find stripper poles, disco lights, shades of sunburn you never thought possible and enough anecdote material to last until you die. It’s not for the faint-hearted but it is where you’ll find me on a Friday night. 

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