Keep calm and make a stew!

LAST UPDATED: 12 May, 2012 @ 22:20
1
SHARE
Keep calm and make a stew!

From Tupac lentils to footballing fairies – it can only be the ´Mad Dog´ column.

SPAIN has been called many things lately.  And a lot of them haven´t been nice things – like “Doomed Nation” (Yahoo), “Europe´s biggest problem,” (Daily Mail) and “Worse than Greece.” (CBS News). Okay, so we´re in a bit of a pickle… nah… who am I trying to kid? We´re in a bottomless pit of Branston Chunky!

However, before we disappear into the quagmire, I´d like to share an inspirational quote: “Tough times don´t last, but tough people do” – not my words – but those of Gregory Peck – Premier Magazine´s 27th greatest actor of all time! And that´s what we need to be telling ourselves right now. According to The Sun, 48% of Brits crave what we´ve already got – and I for one, am willing to fight like a Shaolin monk to sustain it.

To reduce our own “deficit”, Mrs Mad Dog downsized us from luxury penthouse to modest, 2-bed-chalet. It´s so cramped  – you can have a bath, boil the kettle and watch El Cubo… all at the same time!

We´ve also adopted a new motto: “Eat to live, don´t live to eat”. Gone are the days of stuffing supermarket trolleys with luxuries – like seafood platters that required several mortgages to enjoy. Nowadays, we live off a simple diet of fruit, veg, lentils and chorizo. Every time I open the cupboards, I feel like a Big Brother contestant – slumming it on “basic rations”. At least we´re not alone. Our friends too have slashed their budgets – swapping Mojitos for Mahou – steaks for tuna bakes.

Personally, I´ve found it difficult to get aroused by Spanish ingredients. We Brits like our food to look good – and Spanish scran tends to be uglier than Martin Clunes´ sex face. However, after stumbling across a website called uglyfoodstastebetter.com, I was eager to test the theory. At the local store, I bought a shriveled-up sausage, six moldy mushrooms, and a potato that looked like a willy (which I childishly uploaded on Twitter, as a “Dick-tator”).Thankfully, once sliced, diced and bunged in a pot, these unsightly items combined to create a delicious chorizo hotpot. Plus, the low-cost of the dish made it even tastier…  €6 for three nights´ supper!

Although eating the “Spanish way” has been fab for our taste-buds – it´s destroyed my dress-sense. The subsequent weight-loss has led to all of my jeans sagging, and I´m trudging around like an Inglewood gangbanger! This week, the US state of Tennessee passed new legislation, making it illegal to wear low-slung pants. Of course, I get the whole hip-hop/gangster connotation of baggy trousers – but what if there´s an innocent explanation? For all we know – Tupac´s “Changes” might have been referencing his shrinking waistline – after adding chickpeas and casseroles to his daily diet.

Inspired by this concept, a writing buddy of mine – Michael Howarth, suggested we develop a healthy eating ´G´ and name him “Lo-Phat”. As a positive role model for young black kids, his tagline could be something like: “Forget “bling” – get yourselves a nice steamer.” Gang warfare would be less about who has the finest “ho” – and more about who has the lowest BMI. Dragon´s Den here we come!!!

Anyway, now that I´ve joined a new Spanish soccer team, I´ll probably have to beef-up again. After-all, the continentals expect Brits to be built like brick shithouses. Ahead of Barca´s clash with Chelsea, Lionel Messi told reporters: “The English are tough, strong and very physical.” Ha, and then I´ll show up – with less meat on my bones than a pata negra on Boxing Day!

After announcing my “signing” on Facebook – I was urged to swot up on Spanish etiquette by a Granada-based pal. “A word of warning,” Ben said: “DON´T TACKLE. It will ALWAYS be a foul!” Ben then shared an eye-watering tale about his own Spanish debut. In the game´s opening stages, he misjudged a volley – and ended up booting an oncoming player smack in the nuggets. Ben said the player was stretchered off – suffering a ruptured testicle. Nobody knows if the lad still plays – but according to rumour – he´s now living in a nunnery and answers to the name ´Marta´.

To conclude – I´d just like to urge everyone to keep calm and carry on. Yes, the storm clouds are gathering – and the wolf is in the sheep-hold, but what are we…..French? We “Lionhearts” are made of strong-stuff – and I reckon our “Blitz Spirit” will see us through. Under Franco´s regime – Andalucians lived off boiled grass and weeds, so we can´t really grumble about staying-in, or eating a few stews. Remember, laughter is the best cosmetic – so grin and wear it! Until the next time: ´A mal tiempo, buena cara´ (In Bad Times, A Face Held High).

JOIN THE CONVERSATION...

The Olive Press are not responsible and do not moderate individual comments before they are posted. Anyone who uses racist, sexist, homophobic or xenophobic language or hate speech will be blocked.

HAVE YOUR SAY...