From supermarket stalking to swinging with The Krankies – here’s some off-beat romance tips – “Mad Dog”-style!
FORGET giving up Cruz Campo, reducing your DVD spending, or developing rippling abs like Cristiano Ronaldo. If you’re going to make any resolutions for 2012, make sure at least one is to dedicate more time to your “better” half.
In the current economic climate, we’re all working harder than ants on amphetamines. However, having moved to Spain for a better “Work/Life balance”, it’s ironic that I now spend LESS time with my loved-one. Indeed, these days, I seem to see my missus as often as Frenchmen see soap!
What with my freelance deadlines, and her work commitments – our home is more like an office, which we circum-navigate like passing ships in the night.
Despite living under the same roof, it feels like a long-distance relationship. And while this may be tickety-boo for self-obsessed film stars and serial bigamists, it’s hell for soppy-arsed, soulmates. After all, we embarked on this adventure together, and I won’t like the spark fizzle out like a year-old Cava.
Therefore, in 2012, I plan to be less like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, and more like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman (by buying roses and hiring limos, I mean… not bringing home hookers!)
In preparation, I’ve bought myself a new planner and pencilled in a weekly date, where PCs can ‘push-off,’ and….in the words of John Paul Young ‘Love is in the Air’.
But don’t expect any cheesy, candlelit dinners, or steamy squats over pottery wheels – the ‘Mad Dog’ doesn’t do cliches. No, women adore spontaneity and to keep things fresh and exciting, we blokes need to be able to ‘think outside of the box’.
So, here are some of my tips for some unorthodox fun in ’12. Enjoy!
Taking your beloved to a blue movie (ala Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver) – is likely to earn you a knuckle-sandwich. Taking her to a blue, fairytale village, however, is an entirely different matter.
The tiny, hillside hamlet of Juzcar (13.5 miles south of Ronda) is the world’s official “Smurf Village”. Not only will you be able to tell your mates that you’ve visited a Hollywood film set – you can also use the quiet, shady alleyways to practice your tonsil-tennis. Who knows – she might even show you a “Blue Moon”!
They say that ‘Growing old is mandatory’ but ‘growing up is optional’. Therefore, inject some puppy love into your dull courtship – by playing Carrefour hide-and-seek.
Imagine your George Peppard and she’s Audrey Hepburn. It’s all about the thrill of the chase and she’ll love playing hard-to-get.
Obviously, this game requires a degree of subtlety. Doing a forward roll down the pet aisle may demonstrate your athleticism – but it’s also likely to get you sectioned!
Make Your Own Movies
With most mobiles and cameras now containing HD video devices – it’s never been easier to step into Kubrick or Scorsese’s shoes. Try and be cool about this though – avoid any re-enactions involving werewolves or receptionists going down on plumbers.
Think the ending of Officer and a Gentlemen – not Forrest Hump!
Take a leaf out of Justin Bieber’s book – and surprise your sweetheart with a trip to an ice cream parlour.
After ‘whipping’ yourselves into a frenzy, order a chocolate sauce ‘to go’ – and move the fun on to the boudoir. For the best Banana Splits on the Costa del Sol, try Haagen Dazs Cafe in Puerto Banus (inside El Corte Ingles).
P.S. Note to self – stop mentioning Justin Bieber. People may start to suspect I’m a “Bieberphile”!!!
Me Tarzan, You Jane!
Ever considered swinging? And no, not the kind that involves car keys and The Krankies (who recently ‘came out’ as seasoned partner-swappers! Yuk…. the thought of having a three-way with “Little Jimmy”, leaves me sicker than a bulimic after a KFC bucket!)
Whatever next, ‘Orville The Dominatrix Duck’ perhaps, or Bob Carolgees and ‘Spit-Roast The Dog’?
No, I’m talking an action-packed afternoon in Marbella’s Adventura Amazonia Park (http://www.aventura-amazonia.com/). Here, you’ll bond while tackling rope swings, climbing walls and terrifying zip wires.
Heck, you might even bump into Peter Andre, who went “Insania” here in November 2011. Lucky you ;)