ARE you hanging up your stocking on the wall? Well… I’ve tried it, Noddy. It doesn’t work – even with blue tack! But – even though you wrote that ridiculous lyric – I still love you for it.
There’s nothing that fires up my fairy lights like a musical blast from the past because, God knows, it’s getting harder by the year to conjure up that warm, fuzzy Christmas glow.
I mean, Black Friday! What was that all about? Grown men and women fighting over tellies in Tesco really tarnished the tinsel for me.
And have you seen the current batch of ‘adult’ Christmas cards? What’s funny about Father Christmas using the F-word or a steaming pile of elf poo?
As for the card depicting a grandpa being frogmarched from the Christmas table, captioned: ‘I don’t care if he’s got Alzheimers, no one sticks their c**k in the turkey’… it’s just another example of the sick turn Christmas has taken.
To rekindle the magic, I recommend a rowdy musical romp down memory lane … the lane where the snow is glistening, not where Santa’s elves just took a dump … so here’s a sample of what I’ll be annoying the neighbours with this year.
Carols from Kings – Christmas Eve TV perennial with angelic choir boys giving Good King Wenceslas some wellie. Add sherry and mince pies for the perfect curtain-raiser.
Gaudete, Steeleye Span – A hot shower while belting out the chorus to this 1973 carol in your best Latin starts the day on a pitch-perfect note.
I Believe in Father Christmas, Greg Lake – Christmas cynicism that appeals to my inner iconoclast (and I like that track too). I make no apologies for being a huge Emerson Lake and Palmer fan. Brain Salad Surgery? Bring it on!
Merry Xmas Everybody, Slade – The 1973 Christmas number one that’s everyone’s favourite boozy dance track reminds me of my own go-go dancing days, after one Cherry B too many. Get your platform boots out of the attic and have a good stomp on the shag-pile.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Judy Garland – This one’s for mum. Every year we had to watch Meet Me in St Louis while she sobbed her way through a box of tissues, and I remained aloof to the schmaltz. Now I watch it and weep alone.
Driving Home for Christmas, Chris Rea – The 1988 hit by the husky-voiced housewives’ favourite is all about being reunited with loved ones. For me it’s indelibly linked with the time my dad nearly got us ejected from a hotel for starting the Christmas carvery queue before schedule. The voice of the manager shouting, “Mr Beckett, will you please sit down” in front of the entire restaurant still brings me out in a hot blush. Happy days!
Last Christmas, Wham! – ‘Gorgeous George’ Michael before he came out of the closet. Check out the video for the white Christmas idyll and his horrendous Princess Diana-copycat hairstyle.
All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey – Stuff the presents and the turkey. Whether it’s your kids, your cats or your significant other, all any of us really want for Christmas is to cuddle up to someone special. Now where did I put the Kleenex …
Whatever jingles your bells, have a good one!