WHEN it comes to matters of personal choice and behaviour I have always regarded myself as a libertarian.
As long as what you choose to do does not impinge upon my personal space then I don’t give a damn whether you practice self-immolation as a form of transcendental meditation or whether you bite the heads off chickens to amuse your children.
However, having nailed my colours to the mast, I must admit there are one or two human conditions that might benefit from intervention by responsible legislative bodies.
In particular, the world of fashion needs urgent attention and I wish to advocate in the strongest terms that we immediately recruit and establish a Fashion Police!
I know this is not the first time it has been suggested and before you get too carried away with this notion, let me say unequivocally that teenagers should remain exempt from any strictures imposed.
Teenagers have not one ounce of sense when it comes to fashion so we should not persecute them unnecessarily.
If they had one iota of dress sense, fat young girls would not go around exposing hectares of flabby navel-ringed belly nor would young men regard it as “cool” to reveal to the world the fact that they are wearing
Kevin Kline underpants by exposing the waistband outside of their trousers.
This tirade has been prompted by the fact that, during an al fresco lunch in Málaga, the Lady Bartie and I were visually assaulted by what I can only describe as a morbidly obese woman who was almost wearing a crepe de chine style leopard-skin shell suit that had a coral-blue motif down the right-hand side.
If David Blunkett had been with us his dog would have barked.
The combination of morbid obesity, crepe de chine and leopard skin was too much for a chap of delicate sensibilities.
Had there been an emergency number I would have dialled the Fashion Police and had her incarcerated in a fat farm until the vast expanses of leopard skin were reduced to manageable proportions.
Some people may argue that the FP represent a further erosion of their personal freedoms but I counter that swift action by a well-trained force would be in the personal interest of these fashion victims.
Over time, with suitable counselling, lard-arsed women and their shell-suited, pony-tail wearing, earring-studded partners might be able to return to society as well-adjusted couples, able once more to contribute to the general improvement of society.
We live in hope.
Return home madness
FOR many years the newspapers have headlined the long term problems that arise from economic migration.
Many sad tales have been told about the plight of people driven to leave their country of residence in the hope of finding a better life elsewhere.
Heart-rending accounts of life and death ventures in hazardous conditions have saddened us all.
It is therefore distressing to be witnessing yet another wave of forced migration, as the world’s economic crisis continues to respond sluggishly to the financial stimuli introduced by many of our European neighbours and our good friends in North America led by the sainted President Obama.
Obviously migrants will be unsettled and insecure in their new surroundings. Many will be poorly integrated as they lack language skills and social and political awareness.
Under these circumstances racism often rears its ugly head and children, especially, might experience difficulty assimilating with their peer groups in unfamiliar schools.
With this in mind I must ask the question: Why would anyone in their right mind return to Not So Great Britain when they could stay here in Spain?