Why Am I Not in a Relationship?
877 million… that’s the exact number of articles that Google is going to give you if you type “Why am I not in a relationship?” in the search field. That number shows the level of concern on the issue, and it also showcases that a lot of people find it really difficult to start relationships. Being not lucky in romance is as an old problem, but is luck the only thing that defines our success of in romantic relationships? If you scroll through those Google-suggested articles, the most common reasons for failing in relationships is either absence of luck or being not a relationship-type of person.
Well, the case of absence of luck is an easy one to understand and, according to the belief, there is nothing you can do, is powers that be are here to decide for you. If that is your case, probably you should stop reading right now, as there is no way we can help you. You may dream about brides as long as you want, but you won’t be able to date any of them because you are out of luck.
But what the hell is being not a relationship-type of person? Google will give you a lot of answers too. The signs of being not a relationship-type of person differ from one article to another, but they all come down to one thing. Not a relationship-type of person is actually happy with the absence of romance in his or her life. So, if you consider yourself to be the one, but you are feeling depressed that there is no one in your life to kiss, hug and say “I love you” to, give it a second thought. Maybe you have just convinced yourself that it’s no good to be alone? Think about all the benefits, you don’t have to waste your emotions, you don’t have to shave every day, and you don’t have to sacrifice your alone time for somebody’s sake. Well, being alone has a lot of benefits, so maybe you don’t need a partner? If you are still depressed about being alone, it means that you are actually a relationship-type of person, rather than otherwise.
So, if your problem with the absence of relationships lies not in the fact that you are out of luck and doesn’t depend on what type of person you are, what is left? Maybe you can’t find a partner or having problems in your relationship because of the wrong motivation? Probably it is something that you have never thought about, but, actually, motivation plays an important role in finding a partner, as well as in building a relationship. Ever wondered why each and every of your dates ended up in failure? Ever wondered why you keep on picking up partners relationships with whom will lead to nothing? Ever wondered why even when your relationship seems to start alright comes crashing down all of a sudden? Well, the reason may lie in the wrong motivation. It may seem absurd, but most relationships don’t work out because people have the wrong motivation for finding a partner. Let’s evaluate those wrong motivations without further ado.
Wrong Motivations for Finding a Partner
Wanting a partner is a natural desire, but you slowly lose hope when one date after another you get nothing. Either there is going to be one more date or your prospective partner stops answering your calls and messages. In a different case, you are able to start relationships, but most of them end up abruptly. So, let’s check out what is wrong with your motivations.
You Want to Have a Date
Sometimes when you are not dating for too long, you are getting fixed on the idea of having a date per se. You don’t think about where the date should lead. It may pass unnoticed to you, but you are not saying anything that would suggest further development. You may be asking your date-mate questions about his or her past, you may be talking about your past, but you forget to say anything about what kind of relationships are you looking for and what do you want from your prospective partner. Just to have a date is quite a lame motivation to start with. It works according to the simple rule – you get what you want. You wanted to have a date – you got a date. You didn’t think about how to proceed from there on – your first date leads to nothing.
You Want to Try Online Dating
Who said that you are safe from wrong motivations on the digital ground? Wherever you go, they will follow. What is the first thing that pop-ups in your brain when you think that you are not lucky in romance with your locals? Right! You think you should try online dating. You think about thousands of people on those online dating services who would find you interesting. You think that unlike your locals, those people are most likely to accept you for who you are. It sounds like an ideal possibility to find your perfect match. But something goes wrong, and you stuck on those dating services chatting with more and more people. Why not? You how a multiple choice, if it didn’t work out with this one, it will work out with this one, and if it won’t there is a thousand more. But, wait a minute, wasn’t finding a partner through the digital world your master plan? Why people are eagerly chatting with you, but they are not so eager to go on a date with you? Why some of them stops chatting with you as soon as you start hinting on a possible date? Does it mean that your master plan had failed? Nope! Actually, your master plan worked perfectly, as it was to try online dating. That is another example of a wrong motivation that leads you to nothing because you got what you’ve wanted. You wanted to try online dating, and you did. Your motivation wasn’t about finding your perfect match via online dating services, so there is no surprise that you haven’t found one.
You Wanted Sex
For some of us, the absence of a partner means lack of sex. And for some of us, unfortunately, sex becomes the main reason behind finding a partner. You find someone, and you get laid. Sometimes it takes you a lot of effort to find your partner for your one night stand, but in the end, you are getting what you want. Then, all of a sudden you are disappointed with the fact that your dating has no further development. But, wait a minute, didn’t you get what you want? You wanted to find someone to have sex, and you got it. We all know that a relationship goes deeper than just sex, so wanting to get laid is just another lame motivation for finding a partner. At least be honest with yourself and don’t mix up things. If you want to have a one night stand just admit it, but if you want something deeper you should long for it.
Wrong Motivation for Relationships
Now as we are through with the wrong motivations for finding a partner, we can get to the wrong motivations for relationships. Sometimes we found ourselves chained in some circle of unsuccessful relationships. Instead of giving you something good and worth living for, your romantic relationships turn into a cesspool. It happens, once again, because of the wrong motivations. You either underestimate yourself, or you are trying to use your relationships to run from something. Let’s have a more detailed look at wrong motivations for relationships.
Your Partner Must Be…
While it is believed that not knowing what exactly you want will cause you a lot of troubles, but it turns out that knowing what you want may cause you troubles too. A lot of us fantasize about what our ideal partner should be. Some of us even create a perfect picture, and that is the moment when everything starts going wrong. We don’t accept anyone that doesn’t look close to our perfect image. Thus we often use an opportunity to start a relationship with someone with whom we could be really happy. Sometimes we are lucky enough and manage to find a partner who corresponds to our perfect image completely. But we are shocked when we understand that our partner may have some features that differ greatly from what we have created in our head. Well, creating a certain image is not something that you should start your relationship with. But even if you do, be prepared to the fact that a person may not always act according to your perfect scenario. It is also important to see your partner for who he or she is, as you can’t rely only on what you think about the person.
A Mean to Run From Your Present Life
Sometimes you can observe a partner merely as a tool to run away from our present reality. You don’t want to live with your parents, or you don’t want your friends to think that you are strange because you are not dating anyone. You may even consider yourself to be strange because of not having a partner. Don’t worry you are going to find a partner who will fulfil all of your desires. You won’t have to live with your parents anymore, and your friends won’t think that you are a weirdo, because you are no longer alone. But something goes wrong. You often get irritated by your partner. You don’t like the way he or she talks, acts or moves. You think that your partner is boring in bed. You find that you have nothing to talk about with your partner. Moreover, you find out that you basically have nothing in common with him or her.
So, what had gone wrong? On the one hand your desires have materialized, but on the other hand, you don’t feel happy at all. You don’t understand why are you living together with that person. You don’t understand why are you spending so much time with that person. And sooner or later, you will do whatever it takes to spend less time with your partner, which will inevitably lead to a breakup. Why? Because neither desire to run away from your parents nor your friends’ opinion must be a motivation for building a relationship. The only reason for dating someone and for building a relationship with that person should be your desire to be with that person for who he or she is. Otherwise, it will work, but neither you nor your partner will be happy with that.
Fear of Being Alone
We often make choices out of fear. The number of people who start dating based solely on the fear of being alone is enormous. Now think, when you are in the high school, you see that all of your friends are dating, which gives you the feeling that something is terribly wrong because you are alone. With age, the fear is getting even stronger, as you start thinking that you are getting closer and closer to your thirties, but you are still single. It can easily force you into choosing the second best, which is anyone who would ask you out. Of course, there are certain cases when you find someone with whom you are going to be really happy, but most often people are unhappy when their relationship started out of fear. You have the constant feeling that you owe something your partner. And little by little you are starting hating him or her for staying with you.
How it all comes to this? Well, if you fear being alone, most likely you underestimate yourself. You can be grateful to your partner for being attentive to you, but deep down you know that you deserve more than charity. Moreover, if you show how grateful you are for your that “charity”, your partner may start using it against you. Fear is the wrong motivation for building a relationship, as either you or your partner is going to suffer from that.
Regardless of how much everyone is trying to convince you otherwise, dating and relationships are complicated issues. But there is no need in the running around thinking over and over about how complicated a romance can be. When it comes to motivations, the best way is to keep them as simple as possible. You need to clearly understand what you want and be ready for rapid changes that may take place. Even if your perfect partner must have blue eyes, there is no point to refuse to people with brown eyes when they ask you out.
You should never try to use your partner in order to change your life. And try to get rid of the low self-esteem, as that is what really disallows you to be happy and have a great romantic relationship. People who don’t underestimate themselves never pick wrong motivations for finding partners and building a relationship.