20 Oct, 2011 @ 10:15
3 mins read

Don’t worry – be happy!

Calling all expat Moanachondriacs.  Stop bitching and bickering – it’s time for an awesome autumn in Andalucia

YOU, miserable Spain-hater, are not in the bleak Welsh valleys. And you’re not on Morecambe seafront – watching turds and nappies lapping against the shore. You’re not even getting happy-slapped in Clacton, looted in Luton, or freezing your arse off in stinking Stoke.

No… poor lamb… You’re here, in the Med, watching happy kids dance flamenco in front of village paella parties, and praying that your air-con STILL doesn’t conk out!

You stomp around, all hot and bothered, kicking the cat because you can’t fill your fridge for 15 pesetas anymore. You’re also irritated because all your so-called pals have skulked back to Gatwick.

Cheer up, petal. If you play your cards right, this autumn in Andalucia could be a memorable one! The combination of mild climes and potent Halloween punch,  is enough to turn anyones frown around.

I’ve been a busy bee recently, and met some nice, friendly folk just chilling in the Costas. The following is a brief list of local, up-and-coming events. It’s by no means complete, and please feel free to add more activities to the comment box below.


Mijas Jazz Festival (Oct 21 – 29 – Las Lagunas Theatre, Mijas Costa

For jazz-fanatics – the prospect of 8 days of trumpet swells and saxophones is a enough to get you bebopping on the beach. But, if you can’t tell a root from a riff, the random, anarchic sounds may attack your brain, battering it into a pulpy mess. Still, at least you’ll get to drink gin with some cool cats with slicked back hair and two tone shoes.

Top Tip: Jazz is a bit crazy. Listen with your feet – and not your head.

What not to say: “To me, jazz is just noise. Insolent noise.” – Herbert Greenleaf, The Talented Mr Ripley

Icebreaker Joke: ‘Ray Charles, the legendary blind musician, was heavily influenced by jazz. Charles once received a cheese grater for Christmas. He said it was one of the most violent books he’d ever read.’


El Tintero II (Playa del Dedo, Malaga)

This is a sprawling beach restaurant where the waiters charge round with huge plates of seafood. There are no menus and no orders – you just shout or rugby tackle the waiter when you see something you like. It’s comical to see Spaniards bellowing like stockbrokers – and all for a crabstick.

Just when you think it can’t get any crazier – the resident band waltz in and blast out Latin guitar ballads. Nevermind El Tintero – they should have called this place Noisy Oysters!!

Top Tip: Make sure your meal is dead. On average, six South Koreans a year are choked to death by LIVE octopus tentacles. If you want my advice – stick to shrimp soup.

What not to say: “I have trouble with seafood because it tastes like a dock.” – Doug Coupland

Icebreaker Joke: “I went to a seafood disco last week…. and pulled a muscle.


2011 October Beer Fest (Oct 22,   Cortijo Roman, Jimena de la Frontera)

On October 22, the whitewashed village of Jimena de la Frontera will be rocking to the sounds of a thousand clinking tankards. From midday to late – revellers can enjoy a variety of exotic ales and live entertainment from Equis and Marcus Acoustic.

In true Spanish fashion, this is a family event – and not just an excuse for lager louts to get paralytic and soak each other in Stella. Expect a party atmosphere where kiddies can play, women can bop, and men can thigh-slap.

Top Tip: Plan your travel arrangements in advance. Try and bring a designated driver who is happy to sip fruit juice and won’t wrap your car around a lamp-post on the journey home. Also, drink lots of water and pig out on food.

What not to say: Un Babycham, por favor!

Icebreaker joke: A snail goes into a pub and orders a Heineken. The landlord says: “Sorry, we don’t serve snails,” and throws him out. A couple of weeks later, the snail returns and says: “What did you do that for?”


Zumba – Party in Pink (22 Oct, Hipodromo Racecouse, Mijas Costa – 14:30 – 16:30pm)

Imagine Hipodromo Racecourse, but all decked out like a Havana street carnival. Then, picture a crowd – moving as one – shaking their collective booties to Shakira and Beyonce beats. Typically, the principle behind Zumba is simple: lose weight and have fun.

However, there’s an extra incentive to attend Party in Pink, as all proceeds go to breast cancer charities. The event is open to all age groups and fitness levels. Just wear something pink and shake that ass!

Top Tip: Dance first, think later. You never look as daft as you think you do. Just leaping up and kicking out the jams is liberating – trust me.

What not to say: So, you think you can dance? Just remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did – just backwards and in heels.

Icebreaker joke: ‘A mushroom walks into a zumba class and asks a sexy Latin temptress to dance. “Are you crazy??? You’re a mushroom!!!” To which the mushroom replies: “Oh come on. I’m a FUN GUY!”



  1. “I’ve been a busy bee recently, and met some nice, friendly folk just chilling in the Costas.”

    Do you actually do any real work, Craig? I mean apart from writing this nonsense lol.

  2. A highly entertaining read, the only downside is that once you get to the bottom of the page your eyes are drawn to the monotonous drone of Fred and his aborted attempt at wit.

    ‘Do you actually do any real work, Craig?’ He snarled, in a condescending tone that makes you want to pluck out one of his eyeballs and defecate in the empty socket.

    Well, Fred, do you do anything else wih your life other than project the negativity prevelant in your own mundane existence onto the budding, charismatic minds of people who actually have something interesting to talk about?

    Evidently not. Yawwwwwn!

  3. Not pessimism, just realism, Craigy Boy. Oh, and I am both happy and not worried, just to set the record straight you understand.

    What bet did you win btw? Was it the person who could write the fastest article with no useful content? I’d get back to the BBC if I were you lol.

  4. Agreed Craig, we probably do too much bitching !

    But some things are just hard to ignore ……. personally I bitch because it bugs me that they pretend to be so European when they are much more Arab in all they do, which would be great because that would explain why things are the way they are ……… I for one would then shut up and accept that there are unbridgeable cultural differences that need to be respected.

    It still is a great place to be. And of course I criticized this and that anywhere I’ve had had the pleasure of putting down my hat.

    No bigotry in that, unlike the psychotic Baptist and his yapping sidekick P looking to defecate into eyeball sockets while praising how sweet they are ………

  5. Bully:

    I don’t know what your problem is, but I have not attacked you. Why are you so insulting? St. John’s words are his, not mine. What do you mean by sidekick? I don’t know you (fortunately) and I don’t know St. J. either, but I think I am free to state I like an article (or not, as the case may be) without having to be insulted by you.

    It is easy to be a coward and attack someone, in this case me, behind a screen of anonymity.


  6. I just want to ask something (though no doubt I will just be treated to another hail of abusive language and insults just for asking).
    Why live in a country if you hate it so much? I am just asking, that is all. I know I could not live somewhere if I hated it to the point where all I could talk about – to the point of obsession – is how dreadful everything is.

    And why, if someone says they like a place, a country or some aspect of it, they are immediately shot down. It is possible to disagree among posters IMO without abusive language, unkindness and constant sniping. Everyone encounters trouble, of one kind or another, but there has to be something terribly wrong with people who can only be unkind to and insult others, and are unable to communicate in any other way.


  7. Sidekick P

    Quote from St John The Baptist in the direction of lol:

    October 20th, 2011 1:49 pm

    ……… in a condescending tone that makes you want to pluck out one of his eyeballs and defecate in the empty socket.


    Quote from Patricia 5 hours later:

    October 20th, 2011 6:43 pm

    Agree with you, St. John ………

    Not Bulling you P just quoting ……… so stop yapping or think before crying out that someone is insulting you !

  8. Is the world full of idiots? Look at the context of that quote before you go calling me a self-praising bigot. Better yet, why not try looking at a dictionary and finding out what those words actually mean before you attempt to use them in a sentence!

    Of course, the plucking out of the eye wasn’t supposed to be taken literally! It was meant merely as a way of illustrating the frustration one feels after having read the obnoxious taunts of yet another idiot who uses the anonymity of the Internet as a way of voicing the smug, acerbic comments that he wouldn’t have the balls to say to anyone in real life.

    Normally I wouldn’t even respond to this rubbish but I’ve made an exception for you fine array of morons!

  9. So, ‘St John The Baptist’ is your real name is it? Duh.

    Not insulted in the least, by the way, you’ll just have to learn to be more tolerant. My mate Craigy wasn’t insulted, I even used a lol, and he understood that. You didn’t. You are sad lol.

  10. A little presumtuous dont you think? My guess is that he just thinks you’re a massive bell end, just like everyone else on this site…..was that tolerant enough for you?


  11. To be frank, a person who argues about anonymity and then signs of with ‘St John The Baptist’ is just a knob in my book.

    Stop preaching to people and let them speak for themselves. Craigy is a big boy. Now run along.

  12. Like the old adage says – If you can’t say something positive – keep your gob shut. Constructive critism and differences of opinion are fine – they’re what makes forums like this tick. But snide, bad-minded comments, with no foundation are a bit of a joke. Sad really.

  13. My sentiments exactly, PingPong!

    Fred, the only person who gives a shit about whats in your book is you, so why don’t you take it with you and go ‘run along’ a busy motorway or off the edge of a cliff.

  14. If everyone said positive things 100% of the time it would get very boring – almost as boring as your replies. Craig won his bet, he was counting on it. Loosen up, you’re supposed to be fun guys enjoying your days on the Costas lol.

  15. Let’s not be silly, my replies are far from boring. I like reading them back and laughing to myself at how much of an idiot I’ve made you look without even trying.

    Alas, this parade can not continue. I wish you all the best in life Fred, sort of.

    Once again Craig, though I may have somewhat deviated away from the subject over the last few comments, I really enjoyed this article and shall look forward to your next piece.


  16. “I like reading them back and laughing to myself”

    That’s because you are deluded, lol. Do post some more so that we can all have a good laugh at your non-intellect.

  17. Fred
    Sad to say we are going to have to suspend you for a month for rudeness.
    While it doesn’t really affect me, your overly cutting tone has upset a lot of people and is actually losing us users.
    It is a shame as your posts are often well thought out , to the point and witty.
    Please email me at [email protected] to discuss further if you like.

  18. Myself and my wife are from California and come to Spain for the summer climate. We love the olive press and read the website when we are in the States. This is my first blogpost and I just wanted to say that I find Mr Clarkes response an over reaction especially consdering the swearing, bickering and all the accusations made on other blogposts. The author of the article is not even offended and even laughs at freds response.

    Reading your paper today it says that cyberspace usage of the paper is at record highs – a contradiction no? Nothing in this page offends me and least of all freds comments. You allow people to call others “idiots” and “morons” and said nothing about that. That is double standards.

  19. 100% agree with Jerry – I haven’t been offended by any of LoL Freds comments ever, I might not agree with them almost never but I don’t remember threats, insults or foul language

    On the other hand plugging out eyeballs and defecating ……… even I find a very strange and disturbing comment, more so when agreed with but other hypocrite sweet talkers



  20. Crikey.

    Bit of a clash of the keyboards warriors on here isn’t it…

    To quote the original piece…

    “Don’t worry – be happy!”

    Why cant we all just get along! ;) After reading all this I’m going for a lie down in a darkened room to quell my nerves…

  21. Jon Clarke (Publisher)

    October 23rd, 2011 9:45 am

    Sad to say we are going to have to suspend you for a month for rudeness.
    While it doesn’t really affect me, your overly cutting tone has upset a lot of people and is actually losing us users.
    It is a shame as your posts are often well thought out , to the point and witty.
    Please email me at [email protected] to discuss further if you like.

    Hear! Hear! Not before time! Well, done, Jon! I hope the suspension will be a lengthy one!

  22. If we hear reports of a man living alone, in a one bedroom flat swinging from the rafters, his computer switched on with the OP home page up, it will be on your heads. How can you ban Fred? This is all he has. Surely the reason your on-line community is up so much is down to him? Bring back Fred!!!

  23. Hey Jon, without people like Fred this Blog is turning into a toothless, flatulent, consequently smelly aren’t we all nicey nicey boring old tarts – one-sided opinionated chit chat ……..

    …….. just keep up your occasional (at times possibly adequate) Zensur but at least some of the comments will be “to the point and witty” and thus will keep it interesting and fun to read and participate.

    Otherwise, in my opinion, the OP faces danger to walk down Retirement Lane and be reduced to make money with soft food commercial advertising (might be good biz) …..

    It would be a shame.

  24. I didn’t say he’d make a “great” blogger – I merely meant he should put his money where his mouth is, ie do something constructive rather than just criticise constantly.

  25. Paul, comment noted and thanks. I still agree with you. He is a sniper but he does brighten up the place. It might do him good to have something a bit more constructive to do; almost Care in the Community.

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