22 Dec, 2019 @ 10:30
2 mins read

A goodwill adoption of two cats turns sour as the creatures terrorise columnist Loraine Gostling’s Christmas decorations

Loraine Gostling Meowffoy And Muggle

So this is Christmas, and what have I done?

The truth is… not much. 

You see, something dreadful happened to us that stopped me getting in my elf outfit on November 30, ordering Alexa to play Christmas tunes (with a strict ban on Mariah Carey, as she really grinds my gears) and starting work on the seasonal decorations.

Yes, this year we’ve acquired cats. And the two furballs have put paid to the Gostling Christmas twinklies.

The new additions to the family – namely Draco Meowffoy and Muggle – were unwanted by their previous owner and ended up at APAC Protectora de Caballos in La Xara.

Loraine Gostling Meowffoy And Muggle

Now, the M&M brothers are not your usual unwanted moggies: they were spoiled rulers of their previous kingdom, fed on caviar, sleeping on sheepskin rugs, peeing in that posh kitty-litter with the sparkly bits and wearing diamond collars. 

Hell, they even had their masculine bits replaced with artificial testicles known as ‘neuticles’ – or sili-balls as we call them – so they still looked like Lion Kings from the rear!

But feline fate stepped in and they soon found themselves living in the APAC stable (a little like that other famous Christmas Dude).

Being cats, they are sly little buggers, and learned to act like that cunning pussy in Shrek with the big eyes, and they flung themselves around my daughter’s neck, purring and mewing and BANG… next thing I knew, we had adopted two fiends destined to ruin my season of Goodwill for years to come! 

My normal three, fully-adorned, twinkling trees have been replaced by a stupid little artificial model that has to be hidden in a moggie-proof cabinet. Oh, the shame!

But, as always, I digress! 

So as 2019 comes to a close, let me quickly brief you on the sagas and cliffhangers of this Getting Connected column:

KFC Ondara is now open and STILL causing finger-wagging discussions on Javea Connect; Tortie the missing randy tortoise from Jalon has still not been found; the swingers discussion lasted for over three weeks and is still being followed (for a friend obviously); I have not been back to the airport to see if I can master the sauce level of the Burger King one-arm bandit; and, as far as I am aware, there is still no cure for stupid.

So folks, ‘Javea-selves A Very Merry Christmas’!

For all you need to know about what’s on in Javea, visit https://www.javeaconnect.co.uk/.


Joshua Parfitt

Joshua James Parfitt is the Costa Blanca correspondent for the Olive Press. He holds a gold-standard NCTJ in multimedia journalism from the award-winning News Associates in Twickenham. His work has been published in the Sunday Times, Esquire, the Mail on Sunday, the Daily Mail, the Sun, the Sun on Sunday, the Mirror, among others. He has appeared on BBC Breakfast to discuss devastating flooding in Spain, as well as making appearances on BBC and LBC radio stations.

Contact me now: [email protected] or call +44 07960046259. Twitter: @jjparfitt

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