24 Jun, 2017 @ 10:15
2 mins read

Poem insists Marbella more than just a ‘boozy jolly’ for tourists

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HOTSPOT: Marbella
COLUMNIST: Natalie Rose Kern

As scenes of debauchery descend on Marbella, Natalie Rose Kern implores to visitors of her adopted home.  


Oh summer has come all too soon
And with it hoards of drunken loons
All tearing up our pretty town
To drink and screw and turn reddish-brown.

Marbella splashed across the news
Not for its charm, nor swish venues
Not for its style, its class, its chic
Lavish restaurants and lux boutiques
But for the louts who’ve come undone
Whilst holidaying in the sun.

Yes, the breeze is hot
And the sun may gleam
And it’s all good fun ’til you hear the word
Bedlam will descend once more;
The TOWIE crew and Geordie Shore
Oh soon they’ll be here, rolling in
With lashes, brows and orange skin!

On easyJet and Ryanair
Talons groomed, extensioned hair
They’ll come and dance, and drink and dazzle
And flash that thing they call a ‘vajazzle’
With L-plates on and wedding veils
The hen parties going off the rails
And stag dos too, in lairy teams
With t-shirts emblazoned ‘MARBS 2017’

The bars, all bursting to the doors
With drunken golfers and ‘part-time’ whores
And teenagers puking down the second line
Telling their friends: “I’m fine! I’m fine!”
Beach clubs for the champagne spray?
I’d rather drink it any day!

The scenes emerging from ‘Banus
(Aptly nicknamed ‘Port of Abuse’)
Drinking all day, brawling all night,
Another crash, another fight,
I watch in horror, hang my head,
How much more ’til someone winds up dead.

I fear it’s getting out of hand
Too drunk to drive, to walk, to stand
Us ‘Brits abroad’ get all the blame
And I can’t help but feel the shame
‘Cause we’re gaining quite a reputation
But what of us Brits not on vacation?
Hardworking Brits, like you and me
Who love our life in this country.

Siestas and fiestas too
A laidback life, that’s what we do
From every walk of life, we’ve come
To make Marbella our happy home
A vibrant, colourful, social lot
An international melting pot
Of ages, colours, classes, creeds
Coexisting – but for Marbella’s summer greed!

Oh sure, it’s easy to complain
But each must take his share of blame
‘Cause why not keep the drinks flowing
As long as cash is coming in
And why not pour another shot
He might remember it – or not
And why not serve another round
Even if half of them are on the ground
Doubles, trebles, two for one
It’s easy money, so much fun
Get them drunker, run up those bills,
Max out those cards, ker-ching go the tills
Wads of cash like they’ve won the Loto
Driving ’round town like it’s Grand Theft Auto
But it’s not fun when chaos breaks out
“Don’t drive, you’re drunk!” We hear them shout
And in the midst of summer’s heat
They wreak pandemonium on our streets

So surely now must come a time
For bars and clubs to draw a line.
Right now, they’re dancing with the devil,
Play on like this, but at their peril
Madness will only escalate
And next time it may be too late

So to all visitors of our coast
We hope to be upstanding hosts
Come dance and laugh and love and live
The Costa del Sol has so much to give
The lazy days and balmy nights
But we implore with all our might
That you treat our home with respect
Enjoy sun, sangria, sea (and sex?!?!)
But please, refrain from getting crude
In public places – I’m no prude –
But these displays are getting silly
No-one wants to see your willy!

There’s so much more to do and see
Adventure and gastronomy
Rivers and lakes, culture galore
Wildlife, sports, shopping and more
No feuds, no fights, we beg, no fuss
Don’t spoil it for the rest of us
We’ve left the dark days back in Blighty
So come, fiesta! – but please play nicely
Remember we’re all guests in Spain
And happy we’ll be to remain
So practice courtesy, please, and try
To keep morals, heads and standards high
That’s all for now, I’m out of time
I’m out to bask in the sunshine
And July is set to be a stunner
Come on, guys, let’s have a magic summer!


Natalie Rose Kern (OP Columnist)

Natalie is a trained journalist who has worked for top publications in the UK and Spain. After relocating to Marbella, her new 'glamorously unglamorous' life - in her own words - can only be described as Carrie Bradshaw meets Bridget Jones.


  1. What a funny poem!
    And it`s true, the Brits are getting quite a reputation, maybe a little unfair, as I see people from my own country, Norway, and other Scandinavians going under the radar, as the Brits seem to change completely when away from home. In a manner that makes you blush and look the other way in embarrassment. They are Kings and Queens of awkward behavior.
    Or do they actually behave the same back home? Is it getting too isolated up there on an island in the middle of the ocean? I don`t know. I agree, we must all remember we are guests, and should behave like guests. Guests brings presents, they don`t pee on your dining-table. As if guests ruins your home, they are hardly invited back.
    Anyways, a pleasure to meet a nice Brit! Thanks for making me smile:)

    • Great poem! To answer your question. I behave perfectly in my home country, however, if I had paid good money to have my vajazzle looking reem then it would be a total waste of money if I didn’t get wasted and show it off in public. I’m all about getting value for money! :)

  2. LUV IT, LUV IT Natalie, but please don’t think it”s just Marbella, change Marbella for Magaluf- Brits(Mallorca) Arenal- Germans (Mallorca) Playa de las Americas – Brits (Tenerife) think you get the message and until the bar owners, of which many are of the same nationality change, this will continue.

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